goodbye yellow brick road.

things are good.

forgot to say the whole reason his response pissed me off so badly was because i flat out said i’d drive up to see him and he basically told me not to. it was such a fucking verbal slap in the face, even if he claimed it was because he “cares about me.”

i can’t sleep every night we fight and go to sleep mad at each other. i haven’t slept right in 2 fucking weeks.

i literally feel like i have no one else to talk to, especially about this. which is why i’m writing my diatribe. and i can’t say i blame anyone, because for almost 2 straight weeks i’m upset every single day over a fight with him. when you fall in love, they don’t tell you it might be like this. that you can love someone so completely, but that that might be all you have going for you. i think the real problem underneath everything we’ve fought about in the last two weeks is that we’re at the point that without seeing each other and actually getting further in our relationship, we’ve reached the breaking point where all we can do is fight. fighting makes us real. otherwise we’ve hit a wall. last night we fought over something stupid. today he gets in a car accident, and i realized that i love him and nothing else matters. we have a really good couple of hours where things feel like they’re back to normal. and then i realize that this coming week is the absolute last week i could rearrange my schedule and go see him up in charlotte. and especially since the accident today, who knows when he’ll be down here. so i realize i could leave sunday after work and move my students to thursday and friday, and i could go see him for a few days. i can schedule my appointment with the oral surgeon for friday morning and things would work out. my infection is now pretty much contained into the tooth because of the antibiotics and theres nothing they’re going to be able to do until i can get an appointment with the surgeon. everythings working out perfectly. then what does he do? he says he wants me to come but he wants me to wait until after i get my tooth dealt with because he “cares about me and my health” and doesn’t want me to get “hurt” driving up. wtf? i explain to him that i’m okay for now, that i can’t do anything about it ANYWAY until the later part of the week, which i’d be back for, and if i don’t come this week it’s my absolute last chance. because come august i have a full schedule of students, and come september i have a full schedule at the church. then it becomes all about how either i’m complaining that he doesn’t care enough or that he cares too much which wasn’t even the point at all, and he’s completely not listening to me and finally shuts down. so i told him that if he wanted to go asleep or whatever he was going to do any “not fight with me”, that it really didn’t matter if he wanted to or not we were fighting. and that it wasn’t going to magically disappear in the morning. and that if he didn’t just listen to me and work through whatever the issue was, then i was just going to get even more upset and i was going to end things. and guess what? an hour later, he has not responded. depending on what he says to me in the morning, this could be the end of our relationship. so again i ask, why can’t love just simply be enough?

I spent the entire day so mad at him and really upset. Turns out he was in an accident, a bad one. I feel like such a bitch.

gleg:

I am upset.

why are you upset, my yittle numpee?

been on a house kick and started season 4 of supernatural last night, finally. stayed up until 4 watching and got up at 6 to finish packing and get ready for the last round of workshops.

i do not want to go home.

i need to write. i’m literally at the point that i don’t know what else to do before i just have to explode out of my skin.

i said i was going to do it and i don’t even think anyone believed me. i don’t even think i believed i’d do it. but i gave myself a deadline and unknowingly it came up and we had it out. i said everything i said i would but didn’t think i’d say.

i literally feel crazy. like my heads going to explode. or like everything inside is too big for my body and its going to make me combust. one way or another i had to do something. i can’t sleep and i haven’t slept in two days so i should be exhausted. i went for a run through downtown detroit. swam laps in the pool. and i still feel like i’m going to rip my hair out. if i had a mustache i’d be like uncle vernon in the first harry potter.

it did not go as expected. and i’m actually scared. but i didn’t know what else to do.

things were so simple. why can’t i just be happy?

well, i’m up and finishing my packing for detroit today. i fly out as soon as i leave work.

this conference has a lot of down time between workshops and stuff, i’m kinda excited because it means i’ll actually sort of get a real vacation. not as great as st. thomas though. less than a month!

did find out that the airport is 40 minutes from the hotel, so i have to call a private car service to get me there since there are no shuttles or anything. thats a little lame.

and then on friday my workshops are done at 11am and i don’t fly out until 7:50. so effing lame. if the weathers nice i’m going to hang out by the pool all day. imma be tan as a motherr.

in detroit. who am i kidding.